I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
