I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
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He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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