You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
