I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
