That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
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Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
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Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means