I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.