I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city