Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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