drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
