btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
