accomplished twins. life is a go
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
We left an ass print on the piano.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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