I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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