pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
