and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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