I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
