Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
