Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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