chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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