Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
