Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
