my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
