K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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