I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
