Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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