ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
