There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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