and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
