You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
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We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
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Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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