You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
3 2 1 whiskey
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
