we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
