Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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