i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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