Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
