JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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