peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it's great music for shaving your balls
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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