explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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