Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
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Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
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I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?