1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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