I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
