ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
zippers are such a cool invention
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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