Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
