I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize