you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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