I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
