I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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