you're like a bully in the Christmas story
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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