i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
