I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
