my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
