Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
