Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude i'm inner monologue high
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
