Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
