FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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