I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
