I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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