I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
