hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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