We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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